A Third Way

I get married in 4 days.

I know most people who read this blog are probably married and you’ve been there, done that. But for me this is a first time experience and after living for 35 years by myself (I’ve been in share houses etc, but it’s basically by yourself) this new adventure feels more like jumping out of a plane than photographing sunsets.

I’ve moved most of my ‘stuff’ into our new apartment. It’s nice. We can see the ocean and we’re perched on the top floor which makes it feel like we are sitting amongst the clouds.

But this is not cloud city, it is about to become a marriage pad. Two people are planning to move in on the same turf and live life together. This is exciting and frustrating all at the same time.lando

Naomi has her way of doing things, I have mine.

I realised as we were chatting on the weekend that ‘how’ we live cannot be simply a division of habits. As we were chatting about how we would organise laundry, do the cooking, put the toilet paper on the roll (paper over? Or paper under?) the whole thing started to feel like a process of merely ‘giving ground’ to the other person.

“I’ll let you leave the bin under the sink, if you agree that we can keep a laundry basket in the bedroom.” *

One of the things that the Bible is big on is the idea that marriage is a ‘one flesh’ union. Two people become one united unit. That got me thinking about how the ‘giving ground’ scenario doesn’t really work. Instead of us doing some things her way and some things my way we actually need to develop a third way – ‘our way’.

‘Our way’ will of course involve combinations of how each of us used to live, but it also reminds us that at every turn both of us will need to change.

This way reminds us that there is no ‘ground’ to be yielded, for we are starting something new. That really excites me!

Lando Calrrisian ruled cloud city pretty well. It was a peaceful city and provided security. However he ultimately let the Empire in – they captured Hans and put him in carbonite for who knows how long.

Our cloud city is going to be different. I’m no Lando and this is not a space to be ‘ruled’. I’m looking forward to finding a third way that will bless each other and others in our living space.


*This particular conversation never actually took place.


One thought on “A Third Way

  1. I think there are a whole bunch of things that you can’t really plan for that you have to work out over time in the marriage. It can be interesting that something that is inconsequential to one person, can be vitally important to the other. You might think the laundry basket in the bedroom is handy, so you’re for it, but don’t feel passionate about it, whilst your partner might feel that if they don’t have a bedroom that is devoid of any clutter, then they don’t have a space where they can truly rest!

    Asking the question, “am I seeking the best outcome for my spouse,” is a great way to work toward that third way.

    Good thoughts Tubeo.

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